(This may extend into 2 messages) I had been attracted to someone for 3 years. He seemed nice, until he began pressuring me to have sex with him. He always got defensive or tried guilt-tripping me when I said no, or used other girls as a tool to get back at me. During the summer, he invited me to a party. I had already been drinking upon arrival, but he still convinced me to drink more. I even remember throwing up that night, prior to anything happening. I only remember bits and pieces
Asketh - Anonymous
(continued) of the night, but I only remember him getting on top of me & fingering me. I woke up the next morning, next to him, with my shorts around my ankles, hickies and bruises everywhere, scratches, & a wound on my thigh, as if it had been rubbed with sandpaper. I haven’t been able to tell anyone. The people at the party who saw it all thought it was consensual, but I never said I wanted it. He forced me to kiss him the next morning, when I didn’t want to. I saw someone, only from behind, who looked like him at the store the other day, and I immediately started shaking, and my thoughts started to race, and I began to panic. I guess all I’m trying to ask is, how can I deal with this? It’s really disrupting my personal life and mental state as of recently, more so than it seemed after it first happened. I don’t know what to do.
First of all, I want to just say how amazed I am at your bravery for coming forward with all of this personal, painful information. It shows a great deal of character that you are asking for help and telling us the truth, even anonymously. Starting somewhere you feel safe is great.
I am so sorry this assault happened to you. I am trying not to cry, just replying to you. No one should ever have to endure what you have. It’s even more confusing and upsetting when the offender is someone you’ve had romantic feelings for. Please know that nothing can excuse or justify ANY of his actions that you just described to me.
I think you should start to deal with this by sharing your story with a trusted professional, like a doctor or counselor. Preferably both, but start by confiding in one and they can help refer you to the other. The doctor can make sure you haven’t been hurt and are STI free and can also help if you want to prosecute (it doesn’t sound like you want to, but please think about it). The counselor is going to be your greatest tool for dealing with this emotionally. Whether it’s one on one counseling, group therapy, or a combination, talking about your experiences can help you take steps to moving forward from this, dealing with all the negative emotions, and help you start to live your best life again. You don’t deserve to live with this panic and fear terrorizing you.
Personally, I also think you should talk to someone other than a professional. Your parents, even though telling them seems monumentally scary, is the best place to start. You need people in your life that will help you through the recovery process. If you truly can’t talk to your parents, seek out a teacher, coach, family friend, religious leader….any responsible adult who can help and support you.
I promise that you are strong enough to break free from this traumatic experiences and will be able to live your life again. Right now, everything may seem daunting, but coming clean and letting your loved ones know what happened to you is my best advice for moving past this.
Stay strong, beautiful soul. I know that you can fight this and make it through <3 Feel free to talk to us anytime, plus check out our hotlines page for more resources. There are several for sexual assault/rape survivors on there and speaking anonymously over the phone could be the next small step to talking to someone in person.